A Wedding Sermon (Modern, Updated Translation) by William Whately

A Bride-Bush, or a Wedding Sermon: briefly describing the duties of married people

By doing this, marriage will become a great help to them, whereas now they find it to be a little hell.

"Marriage is honorable among all people: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge" - Hebrews 13:4.

Printed in London by William Jaggard, for Nicholas Bourne, and available for purchase at his shop at the entrance to the Royal Exchange, 1617.

To the Reader 

Christian Reader,

Marriage is often more criticized than appreciated. Most people enter into this state, and once they are in it, they complain about it. They should actually be complaining about themselves. It is unfair and a result of ignorant pride to blame our troubles on God's ordinances. Someone might say, "I would have been happy if I hadn't married." Then you were foolish both before and after your marriage. Use it well, and it will add to your happiness. We make bitter sauce and then complain that the food is bitter. You live in matrimony not according to God's direction, but by the rules (which are crooked rules) of your own desires, and then you say, "Oh, that I had never married, Oh, that I were unmarried." For shame, keep quiet; your complaining shows your problem. You are indeed married to a bad companion (your sinful nature, that body of death, that old husband) and are troubled by its offspring, yet you neither seek a divorce from this tyrant nor try to put an end to its wicked offspring. This is where your troubles come from; not your husband, not your wife, but your pride and your passion cause all this trouble and discontentment.

In this little treatise, I aim to defend the cause of marriage: not so much directly in words, but indeed by guiding the married to understand and practice their duties, which would fix everything. If any man or woman endeavors to follow these, and they do not find marriage to be a comfort to their souls and a relief to their other griefs, then let me never do anything but grieve.

I recommend these things to your understanding and your life: use them, and then see how you progress. I initially intended them for a few, but now I share them with many. It is not uncharitable, I am sure, and I hope, not an unprofitable deed. I want you to make some use of them, which is why I make them public; if not, remain ignorant and continue to complain. I do not mean them for the learned, who can find better directions for themselves, but for those whose position is not too high to learn from the simplest teacher: even for people of the same rank as those I originally spoke to. If this work is beneficial, I am glad, and then I know it will please. However, you have it, Reader, and you would have had better if my resources allowed. I hope you will not blame me for having good intentions and doing no harm. So, I commend you to the Lord.

Banbury, August 20, 1608.

Yours in the Lord, W. W.

A Bride-Bush: Or a Wedding Sermon.

1. If it were not uncommon to preach without a text, I would think that would be the best approach for gatherings like this. No single scripture directly contains or clearly expresses the full duty of a married couple. However, many scriptures can be combined to form a complete discussion. But to avoid appearing as if I am trying to bring back an old and unused practice, I will base all my speech on the words of the Apostle Paul in Eph. 5:23, where he says,

The husband is the wife's head. The comparison used by the Holy Spirit here gives us this general point: there is a mutual bond of duty between a husband and wife. They owe each other a reciprocal debt. I am going to explain the details of this debt to guide those who are or will be entering into this state of marriage.

2. Now, to help our memories, let's proceed in an orderly way. These duties are of two kinds: some are principal, and some are less principal. I call those principal duties because if they are broken, the bond is dissolved and completely undone. But if these principal duties are observed, even if there are smaller weaknesses, the bond remains intact on both sides.

3. These main duties are two. The first is the faithful keeping of each one's body for the other. The husband must not dare to give himself to any woman in this world but to his wife; nor the wife to be with anyone under heaven besides her own husband. If either of them offends against this duty, the person who transgresses has committed adultery, broken the covenant of God, removed the yoke from their partner's neck, and exposed themselves (if the magistrate followed God's law) to the punishment of a violent death.

But if someone asks whether the wronged person can lawfully accept the other person back after the offense is known, I answer that if the man or woman has offended once or so, due to weakness, and upon being confronted, shows clear outward signs of repentance and a sincere desire to change, then it is appropriate for the spouse to forgive this offense. The love between a married couple should be very strong and abundant, and therefore capable of forgiving great, even the greatest wrongs, as long as it can be done with a clear conscience. We do not read of any specific commandment that requires a final separation. However, I also say that if the offending party continues in their wrongdoing and shows themselves to be unchangeable, the injured party is bound by conscience to both complain about the sin and completely separate themselves. No man should make himself a part of a harlot, nor a woman of a whoremonger. The main thing married people must be careful of is not to offend God, neglect their public covenant, wrong their spouse, scandalize the Church, pollute their bodies, and risk their souls to damnation by pursuing others outside their marriage. This includes not only the act of adultery but also any overly familiar and inappropriate behaviors that might give rise to suspicion or temptation. They must always remember the wise words of Solomon, "Whosoever toucheth her (speaking of his neighbor's wife) shall not be innocent" (Prov. 6:29). Therefore, let no man or woman take this burning fire into their bosoms or walk upon these scorching coals. And this is the principal duty so much emphasized.

4. The next point is living together, as instructed directly to the husband by the Apostle Peter, who tells him to "dwell with his wife," and therefore, it logically applies to the wife as well. After all, how can someone live with a woman who runs away from him? The Apostle Paul also commands the husband to give the wife due benevolence, and the wife to do the same for the husband; this cannot happen without living together. He specifically forbids them from depriving each other, unless by mutual consent, and then to come together again, which implies living in the same home. Therefore, a married man or woman cannot live wherever they please; they must share the same home as one body.

I do not deny that serving the country or necessary personal affairs may justify a temporary separation, even for a long time. However, a willful and angry separation of beds or houses should not be tolerated. If it happens that either party stubbornly and perversely withdraws from this marital union (a fault known as desertion), the offending party violates the marriage covenant. If the issue is found incurable due to the obstinacy of that party, after just efforts to resolve it, the other is released from the previous bond and may lawfully, after proper proceedings with the Church or Magistrate, join themselves to another. There is a strong reason for this:

First, such a separation is a willful frustration of the true purpose and end of marriage, effectively nullifying it through the guilty party's sinfulness, which deserves and even necessitates rejection as no longer a partner.

Secondly, such unfaithful desertion is almost always linked to adultery, as the Apostle suggests, saying, "Lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency" (1 Cor. 7:5). The one who so recklessly abandons marriage inevitably falls into impurity, which they could have avoided. For this matter, we have clear guidance from the Holy Spirit through the Apostle, who says, "If the unbeliever departs, let him depart: a brother or a sister is not bound in such cases" (1 Cor. 7:15). In these words, he does not permit the unbeliever such separations as lawful but places the fault solely on them and then frees the other party from the bond by which they were previously tied. It's as if he said, "If they insist on leaving, let them; don't trouble yourselves about it, the sin lies entirely on their own soul." A Christian man or woman, when faced with such situations, is no longer bound to the former covenant or the former partner who first broke it. This is not contrary to our Savior's teaching, who forbids a man to divorce his wife and marry another, except for adultery. We do not allow such liberty of divorce except for that sole reason. Yet, if one is wrongfully abandoned (the partner withdrawing themselves so that there is no hope of their return, or not returning despite good persuasion or efforts), we agree with the Apostle that the wronged party is free. These principles can coexist. No one may lawfully leave their spouse, except in the case of adultery, to marry another; yet anyone wrongfully abandoned by their partner may lawfully marry another, being released from the former bond without sin on their part.

However, we assert that in such cases, a just and orderly process must be followed. No one should hastily and suddenly take matters into their own hands but should seek guidance and help from the Church and Magistrate, whose duty is to provide remedies for such issues. Married people must diligently avoid separating from each other due to discontentment or similar reasons, as doing so would untie the bond that God has joined. They must not only avoid making a complete break in their relationship but also avoid smaller disputes that could lead to such a break. They should not, through passionate arguments and prideful dissatisfaction with each other's behavior, separate their home, bed, or table, even for a short time. They should not seek reasons for long and unnecessary absences due to carelessness or lack of respect for each other or by pursuing vain pleasures and socializing elsewhere. Is it not foolish to create distance between themselves when they should be most familiar? Wouldn't it be better not to separate at all than to make a public dispute out of something that could have been privately resolved?

5. The main and principal duties required in marriage are chastity and living together. These are the most important. The less important duties follow, which men and women are indeed bound to by their promise and vow, but not with such strictness that any offense in them should make the original agreement void. Lacking in these matters stretches the bond of marriage and gives it a sore strain, but it does not break it. However, they break God's commandment greatly if they do not also take great care in these things to strengthen that union, which should be made unbreakable, by their diligence. Now, these duties are also of two types: the first concerns their everyday relationship, and the second concerns the relationship of the marriage bed. Again, those duties concerning their everyday relationship are of two types: some are mutual, pertaining to both, and others are special, pertaining to either of them.

6. The mutual duties, which we will discuss in order, are required from both husband and wife, though not in equal measure. In all these shared responsibilities, the husband should be more abundant, knowing that more of every grace is expected from him than from the weaker vessel. We do not call them common or mutual because both should have the same amount, but because both must have some of all, with the husband having the most. Regarding these common duties, you must understand in general that whatever is required of all men and women towards others by the Law of Christianity and Charity, as they are people and neighbors, is required in a higher degree and larger measure from the husband towards the wife, and from her to him. So, whatever the Law of Love or Religion instructs you to do for any person, as a human or Christian, it binds you to perform much more diligently and carefully for your spouse. The closer bond of marriage does not weaken but rather confirms the more common bond of humanity. However, it will be necessary to describe these common duties more specifically.

7. They are of two kinds: The first concerns themselves; the second concerns their families. To themselves, they owe, in general, first love; second, faithfulness and helpfulness; combined together, a faithful helpfulness, and a helpful faithfulness. As for love, it is the life, the soul of marriage, without which it is no more itself than a corpse is a person; indeed, it is uncomfortable, miserable, and a living death. For this, everyone must strive, as all who enter marriage will agree. The lack of this causes shortcomings in all other duties; the abundance of it supplies what is lacking in the rest. Love seasons and sweetens all situations: Love resolves and settles all disputes: Love governs all emotions, it shapes all actions; in short, it is the King of the heart, where it prevails, marriage is truly itself, namely, a pleasing union of two people into one home, one purse, one heart, and one flesh. But to praise it and its good effects (which everyone acknowledges) would be unnecessary effort. Let us rather show what kind of love it must be, and how it may be obtained.

8. The love we're talking about must first be spiritual, then matrimonial. By spiritual, I mean it should be based mainly on God's commandment that requires it (for I speak of Christians), not on the person's appearance, charm, beauty, wealth, nobility, talents, or good qualities. Natural love, which is based on such unstable reasons, can be destroyed by a storm of displeasure, fall apart on its own, or turn into jealousy, which is the most destructive and consuming feeling that can exist in a married person's heart.

But spiritual love, which focuses on God, relies on His will, follows His commandment, and decides to obey it, cannot change because its cause is unchangeable. You love your wife because she is beautiful, well-spoken, kind, has good features, brings wealth, and is good at managing the household. That's good. But what will happen to your love when all those things fail, as they all might, and most will? You love your husband because he is handsome, active, healthy, intelligent, well-mannered, kind, loving, and treats you well. But where will your love be if these things change, as they can with all earthly things? See how there's no stability or strength in other reasons. But the one who loves his wife, and she who loves her husband, because God has commanded it, the Creator of all things has ordered it, the Lord and Master of the heart, who alone can command the very feelings, has appointed it so; will find their love lasting and durable, as God does not change, and His law remains the same. The right foundation of love is God's commandment, and it is spiritual when built upon this rock.

9. It must also be matrimonial: We are to love our friends, our family, our neighbors, even strangers, and our greatest enemies, indeed all people everywhere. But the marital love between spouses is a special and unique love, far more dear and intimate than all or any of these. It involves fixing their hearts on each other as the only suitable and good match that could be found under the sun for them. The husband must rest his heart in his wife, as the best wife the world could have offered him. The wife must settle her very soul upon her husband, as the best husband she could have found among men. By doing this, they should love perfectly; by striving to do this, they love completely. They may lawfully think others are better men or women, but none a better husband or wife for them than their spouse. To think otherwise would be to desire change, which cannot coexist with true love. Who would exchange their child with anyone else? Every person's own child pleases them best, even if their qualities may not. So should it be with the husband and the wife. Therefore, those who keep bringing up past potential matches, which they might or should have had, do not love genuinely, even if they smile at each other. Marriage love admits no equal, placing the spouse next to the soul of the one who loves; it will know none dearer, none so dear. This is the quality of love we require.

10. But how can someone who lacks this love attain it, and how can someone who has some of it gain more? I answer, there are two things that will bind the hearts of a husband and wife together. The first is that they recognize God's gracious providence in their marriage. Those who see God as the matchmaker and take each other as love-tokens from Heaven will naturally love what comes as a sign of His favor, whom they strive to love above all. But those who do not see His hand in joining them together will likely fall out quickly, as they lack this third thing, which is like the bond and connection of their affections. A gift of small value is not lightly regarded when it comes with goodwill from a great and dear friend. He who loves the giver will also love the gift, even if it is not so precious. So, the husband or wife, though not perfect, will be dear to the partner who loves God if they resolve in their hearts that God, in great goodness, has given them this man or woman. Even if he or she is somewhat difficult or flawed, the dearness of the giver will make up for some imperfections in the gift. Even if the Lord has corrected you by giving you this husband or wife, it was in favor and for your good. Can you help but love even the rod that comes from a father's hand?

But add a second means to this, which will also help, and love will grow without fail: Let married couples join together in private prayer, good conversation, singing of Psalms, and other similar religious activities between themselves alone. St. Peter would not have the prayers of the married interrupted (1 Pet. 3:7), for he knew well that these were the best means of nourishing their love. In these activities, the bright beams of God's image will shine forth, which have the power to make them lovable to each other. Here, they will bring so much profit and good to each other's soul, even to their own feelings, that it will effectively provoke their affections to be mutually fervent. Here, they will see themselves as children of the same Father, servants of one Master, strangers of one country, and pilgrims traveling to the same home. So when the sudden flood of youthful and intense affections dries up, these fountains of spiritual love, which prayer and other religious exercises have created, will still run with a more moderate and sober, but yet more lasting and constant stream. Let them season their natural relationship with this spiritual communion in the secret serving of God, and they will avoid the excess of familiarity that chokes love. Religion will knit the hearts of strangers fast in one, making them dear to each other ever after, even if they converse and join together for just a month or week. How much more effective will it be to fasten the souls of those tied with so many and perpetual bonds besides?

Therefore, to all of you who are or will be husbands and wives, take this as guidance; if you fail to observe it, you hear without benefit. Pray together with and for each other in secret; discuss, read the Word of God together, and sing Psalms alone: this will so bind your hearts that no contention will separate them. For if you do fall into some actions of unkindness, when you meet together again in prayer, instead of blaming each other, the husband will blame himself, the wife herself. Coming into God's presence, she will see the greatness of her own sins, and he of his, and then the offenses of one another will seem small. Thus, they will be ashamed to argue afterward, considering they must shame themselves before God for arguing. So if any grudge arises, prayer will heal and resolve it, so it does not fester, worsen, or grow into a lasting hard feeling. And let every person ask their own heart if the little praying together of husbands and wives, the seldom joining together in any good activities, is not the true cause of their little love. They may be fond, but they cannot truly love if they do not pray together.

11. For the first common duty, that's enough. The second is faithfulness and helpfulness combined. Solomon says, "The heart of her husband trusts in her" (Prov. 31:11). If she is a good wife, she must be trustworthy to him, and even more so he to her. He also says, "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life" (Prov. 31:12). The purpose of her creation was to be a helper; he must be an even greater helper to her, doing more good because his role is greater. These two qualities are well united when they are careful not to harm each other, either by their own actions or by allowing others to do so through carelessness or knowingly. They should be diligent, as much as they can, to do good for each other and ensure others do the same. Man and wife must be faithful and helpful to each other's soul, with wise and due care to heal each other's faults and, most importantly, to prevent them. If the husband lives in any gross sin, the wife must work by all kinds of loving and Christian means to draw him out of it. If her own efforts fail, she should seek a spiritual guide for his soul, just as she would for his body if he were sick. If, after all good means are used, he remains stubborn and unresponsive, she has fulfilled her duty and must wait and pray to God, the great Physician of the soul, to address the issue, taking comfort in knowing she has done her best to help him improve. The husband must do the same for the wife. They should both observe the spiritual state of each other's soul to understand what weaknesses they are inclined to, so they can avoid provoking each other into sin and apply all means to weaken and prevent such faults from becoming severe. They must learn about each other's spiritual weaknesses not to criticize or disgrace, but to help and support each other by avoiding things that would cause such evils to arise and using whatever will heal or lessen them. Those who allow their partners to continue in sin for their own comfort are treacherous and untrustworthy. If the husband's soul is infected with swearing, breaking the Sabbath, or injustice, and the wife fears his anger if she admonishes him, she remains silent; he sometimes does the same with her. Isn't this betraying each other to the devil and damnation, allowing each other to go to hell in peace? They are also harmful partners who look for each other's weaknesses with a malicious eye to provoke and vex each other. If he sees his wife is easily angered, he will do things to upset her, and she will do the same to him. They love to irritate each other's weaknesses, making them worse. Such behavior is of little help to the souls of their married companions. They must also be helpful and faithful to each other's body, willingly and readily bearing any cost or effort (within their means) to provide whatever diet, medicine, or other necessities may preserve health and prevent or remedy sickness. He must not think any effort or expense is too much if it is wisely spent on her, nor she on him. They must avoid the stinginess that prevents many from providing each other with necessary comforts like fire, light, food, or medicine when sickness comes. This is not helpful but harmful and shows an unloving disposition. Thirdly, they must care for each other's good name, preserving it through honest secrecy and discretion. They must avoid the monstrous betrayal of exposing each other's faults and secrets, especially those shared in confidence. A wife who spreads everything wrong she sees in her husband, complaining in every company about her bad match, deserves harsh treatment. A husband who constantly talks about what a bad wife he has is equally deserving of poor treatment. These are like birds that foul their own nests, uncovering each other's faults and throwing dirt at each other. When a couple starts to betray each other, who doesn't find it repulsive? If those so close seek to ruin each other's reputation, who can be free from reproach? They must not only cover each other's faults but also keep each other's secrets. If whatever he tells her is shared with others, it will eventually become public, causing grief. The same applies to him. Without secrecy and discretion, there can be no peace or harmony. Therefore, let these aspects of faithfulness and helpfulness to each other's souls, bodies, and reputations be recommended to all married people who wish to enjoy their marriage.

12. Now, having talked about the common duties that concern individuals, let's move on to those that involve their families and households. When men and women, who were once part of another family, get married, they become the leaders of a new family. By having children and raising them, along with managing servants according to their roles, they contribute to the world by adding people and nurturing future members of the Church, God's own Vineyard. Therefore, they haven't fully fulfilled their duty just by doing all the previously mentioned things for each other; they must also care for their families. In this, the husband, as the primary leader, and the wife, as a supportive partner, must work together for the good of the family. The specific duties I will mention belong to them as they govern and relate to servants and children, but it's the teamwork in these duties that I want to emphasize as part of their marriage duty. They must maintain, govern, keep, and guide their family together.

13. For maintaining the household: first, both the husband and wife must work hard and be diligent in their respective roles, ensuring their family benefits from their efforts. The husband should not be lazy and make his wife do all the work. The wife should not be lazy either, leaving all the responsibility to her husband. Instead, he should handle matters outside the home, and she should manage those within, working together for their mutual benefit. If either one is idle and does nothing, that person becomes a burden, like a painful leg or a diseased member, causing trouble for the whole household. Solomon praises the hard work of a good housewife and also commends a diligent hand for the man's role. They should therefore work together as partners.

Secondly, they must be wise and thrifty, avoiding unnecessary expenses. They should not withhold from mercy and justice but save from wastefulness and overspending. The husband should not waste money on gambling or frequenting the alehouse and tavern, nor should the wife spend excessively on socializing. Both must avoid the sin of neglecting their household, which makes one worse than an infidel (1 Tim. 5:8). They should not indulge in excessive desires or expensive clothing, as these are like thieves. They should not keep private funds for themselves or let things happen randomly, but work together for the common good, like the right hand and the left.

Thirdly, they must ensure that no necessary thing is lacking for their family due to their negligence, and no harm comes unexpectedly. They should plan and consider what is needed and useful, so it can be obtained, and what is dangerous, to prevent it. Two eyes see more than one, and they are joined in such a close partnership to be as one in labor, thrift, and foresight. When they do this, the Lord will bless their efforts, and they will find abundance. Otherwise, the idle person walks on a path of thorns, which will surely cause pain. The unwise and wasteful person steps into a trap that will ensnare them, and they will always face vexation, unrest, discontent, and arguments if they neglect these duties. However, they must be moderate in this matter. If they become overly stingy, anxious, greedy, and obsessed with wealth, no force on earth or in heaven can prevent a family afflicted with this greed from experiencing many troublesome and difficult times.

14. But what good is it to maintain a family without proper governance? And how can it be governed without them? They must be good rulers at home and work together to guide the household: the man as God's immediate officer and the king in his family, and the woman as the deputy subordinate and associate to him, though not entirely equal. Both must govern in their respective roles. Their first priority must be to ensure that religion thrives in their families and is truly instilled in their servants and children. This involves catechizing them, reading the Scripture, and calling upon the name of God among them. To help them grow further, they must also bring them to public assemblies and examine their progress. These tasks should be performed by the husband when present, and by the wife in his absence. Both must find convenient times for these activities; if one becomes slack, the other should help. It's better, for their own sake, to have no family than a family of little devils, which they will be without God's extraordinary work and grace if these things are not done. Without these efforts, one keeps a household of fiends, a seminary for the devil, a nursery for hell and the kingdom of death. This is evident from woeful experiences. Sometimes the husband wants God to be served in the family, but the wife resists, seeing it as a waste of time. Other times, the wife desires to have God's worship under their roof, but the husband, like a profane beast, calls it unnecessary and refuses to spend time on it. Sometimes both neglect and omit these duties. How seldom do their desires and efforts align in this crucial matter? How seldom do they encourage each other in such beneficial works? This is the root of all disorder in families; where God is not served, only impiety and profanity can thrive among the master, mistress, servants, children, and the entire household. Let all who fear God ensure they use all good means to establish religion and its practices in their homes, remembering with fear the curse the prophet prays may come upon the family where God's name is not called upon (Jer. 10:25).

Secondly, they must oversee the ways of their family. Solomon commends this in the virtuous wife, using a word that signifies standing as a watchman in a watchtower, looking on every side to prevent any enemy from surprising them. She diligently observes the behavior of everyone under the roof, ensuring no disordered or sinful practice finds a quiet entrance and abode there. It would be a great shame for the husband if the wife surpasses him in this watchfulness. Both must use their eyes with care to prevent idleness and wickedness in their servants and children, ensuring they faithfully do their assigned tasks and behave Christianly towards one another and all people. If inferiors were naturally careful enough about their conduct, there would be no need for a governor in a house. But God knows that even the best servants and children have weaknesses and are prone to issues like idleness, gossip, discord, and similar faults. Therefore, the master and mistress must keep their eyes open to prevent these issues. Children must be monitored, their behavior observed, and they must be set to work. The governors' watchful eyes and care must ensure this, or else the family will become disordered, regardless of how godly the governors may be in other matters.

Thirdly, they must work together in admonishing or encouraging, reproving, or, if necessary, correcting their inferiors. In these matters, both must be careful to fully support each other's authority. If one thinks it appropriate to encourage someone in the family with a small kindness, the other should not begrudge it or be unwilling. If one wants to reprove, the other should not defend. When the husband corrects the children, the wife should not become angry and save them, as if she resents their discipline; neither should he do so towards her. If either of them exceeds by chiding or correcting without cause or beyond what the fault warrants, the other should quietly address it in the absence of the inferior, not causing a scene in front of them, as this undermines the authority of the spouse. If one undoes what the other does, or if one corrects and the other coddles, the result will be resentment and disorder between themselves, leading to contempt for both their authorities from the party they have shown such indiscretion. Eventually, like a boat with all the weight on one side, the whole family will be overturned into waves of contention and strife. However, if they work together in harmony to support each other's admonitions, reproofs, corrections, exhortations, or encouragements, they will preserve their authority in the family, maintain peace between themselves, and see improvement in their inferiors. This concludes the common duties of husband and wife to themselves and their families for maintaining and governing them. We now move on to discuss those duties that are specific to each of them.

For Husbands

15. First, I will address the man, then the woman. For the husband's special duties, they can be divided into two main areas: maintaining his authority and using it properly. First, he must keep his authority and maintain his position, where his Creator has placed him. Nature has designed his body for leadership and given him a more stern appearance than the woman's. He must not allow this natural order to be reversed. The Lord in His Word calls him the head; he must not stand lower than the shoulders; if he does, that is a disordered family. It is a sin to lower oneself below the position God has set. It is not humility, but weakness, to be ruled by the one he should lead. No General would thank a Captain for surrendering his place to a common soldier, nor will God thank the husband for allowing the wife to take charge. The authority is God's, given to him; he must not allow it to be trampled and despised. But, some might say, my wife is difficult and stubborn, how can I maintain my position? It is easier said than done if a man encounters a woman with a strong spirit. So, how should he do it? I answer, most men wrongly blame their wives for abusing their authority when it is their own fault. It is not taken by the wife's force, but lost by their own foolishness and lack of wisdom. Know then that authority in this relationship must not be kept by force and violence, but by skill: not by harsh looks, big words, and cruel behavior, like a large dog towards a small one, but by a gentler and more thoughtful approach. And to practice this, here is how:

First, the husband must set a good example, living uprightly, Christianly, soberly, and religiously in his family. The wife will naturally give him the higher place if he shows himself to be the better person. No one can help but respect someone superior in whom grace and God's image appear. A virtuous man will be respected, even by the worst woman; and in her behavior too, if she is not extremely unreasonable. A godly and wise conduct will earn respect and willing submission, and no man who is qualified in this way will be treated with contempt. In a moment of anger and emotional turmoil, even the best wife's behavior may falter, but later her heart will condemn herself and justify him, so he does not lose authority, even if it is challenged; indeed, he regains it with added respect. And as a general rule, we recommend a godly lifestyle in the family to preserve and uphold the man's authority; specifically, he must avoid three disgraceful evils that make a man seem worthless and base to all who see him defiled by them. The first is bitterness: Paul advises the husband, "Be not bitter" (Col. 3:19). The smell of violent and raging passions will be so unpleasant to the wife, coming from the husband, that she will likely first hate him and then despise him. This unpleasant bitterness in speech and behavior shows a lack of self-control and wisdom, leading to a lack of respect. If you are a husband and want to be respected, do not indulge in foul, dirty, and stinking habits of passionate railing, striking, or the like. Such foolishness will surely lead to great contempt.

Secondly, beware of wastefulness, another great enemy to authority, which acts like a worm, rotting and consuming it. Any man who gives himself to drinking, gambling, and bad company (which often go together) will lose his wit, wealth, and reputation. When drink takes away reason, gambling takes away foresight, and bad company takes away good character, behavior becomes foolish, wicked, and beast-like, making the person base, hated, and loathed. No wasteful person keeps his position, just as he doesn't keep his money. For who can respect someone who is worth nothing?

Thirdly, avoid foolishness, childish and unsober behavior that lacks any mark of seriousness; these make a man contemptible. If the husband acts foolishly and behaves childishly (and what else are these odd and silly behaviors?), can he blame his wife for laughing at him? The bitter man is like a frantic head, troublesome; the wasteful man is like a scalded head, unpleasant; the foolish man, the jester, is like a dizzy head, ridiculous. Such men will soon displease themselves, even if no one tries to undermine them. But let every godly man abhor these base evils and strive for holiness in conduct, so he may truly be a leader, and his authority remain intact.

16. Yet what good is it to have authority if he doesn't use it? Or how can it not become ineffective without being used? Therefore, the husband must exercise his authority, and we must guide him in doing so. To govern well, he needs to understand both the purpose and the manner of his governance. The purpose of this, like all other forms of governance in nations, kingdoms, countries, cities, and towns, is not to satisfy his own desires or to seek his own ease, pleasure, or credit as the main goal. If he does, everything falls out of order, like when a bowling ball is not set with the right bias. Instead, the goal should be the good and benefit of the one being governed, to the glory of God, the chief Lord and Governor of all. Observing this one principle would prevent many problems from entering the family. Most men do not govern well because they serve themselves in governing, not their wives. They will do anything to please their own whims, even if it is harmful to their wives, which is the greatest mistake in governance. They believe their position is to fulfill their own desires rather than to ensure their wives' well-being, which is completely false. Just as ministers must watch over the souls of their flock for their profit and salvation, not for their own private gain, so must the husband deal with his wife. This is why God has ordained both private and public governors under Him, so that those under their authority might be better drawn to Him through them, who are rightly called their betters.

17. And yet, if he aims for this but doesn't achieve it to some extent, it would be of little purpose. So, just as he must aim for her good, he must also accomplish it by governing in the right way. This involves nurturing and increasing any virtues and rooting out and weakening any corruption he finds in her. He rules in the right way when he governs himself with three main virtues, which are of great importance in all forms of government, including this domestic kingdom, as I might call it.

18. The first of these three virtues is wisdom; it is like the steering wheel of authority, guiding it on a straight and steady path so it doesn't crash into two dangerous rocks: slavish fear on one side and contempt on the other. The main purpose of wisdom is to conduct oneself in a way that love and reverence do not interfere with each other, cutting and destroying one another. It's difficult for someone in a lower position to be so familiar that they are loved without being taken lightly; it's even harder to be revered without being slightly feared or hated. Therefore, prudence must manage things so that these two feelings are kept in balance, free from excess or deficiency, doing good according to the dignity of the position. This wisdom should be used in giving commands and reproofs, which are the two things every wise person should be content with in this society. We dare not allow him to go so far as to correct with physical blows. Indeed, what Christian woman would behave in such a way that a man of decent behavior would need to strike her? Let his wisdom show in refraining from blows and preventing the emergence of such serious issues that might warrant them, rather than in giving them moderately and (as he thinks) appropriately. But when it comes to commands and reproofs, he may and must give them, and we will guide him as best as we can.

19. First, when giving commands, a husband must follow two main rules. One is that he should not command things that are senseless, unreasonable, or, even worse, wicked and unlawful, based solely on his stubbornness without any just reason. Such commands make the wife see him as a foolish leader, not a wise one, which destroys her respect and, consequently, his authority. The wife should focus only on whether the command is lawful or unlawful, asking no other question but whether it offends God or not. However, the husband must ensure that what he commands is sensible, useful, and beneficial, and that he can provide a good reason for why it should be done. If he doesn't, his commands are like a child's arrow shot aimlessly, and nothing is more ridiculous than such childishness in a grown man. Commanding without reason is like riding without a bridle. If the horse isn't very gentle and well-trained, it will either go off course or stumble and throw the rider. Similarly, if the wife isn't exceptionally meek and patient, she will either rebel or scorn him. The benefit of the commanded action provides enough reason for the wife to control her emotional reactions (which might question why she should go through all that trouble just for her husband's will), helping her to submit. If this is missing, it's almost inevitable that she will at least grumble, if not openly rebel. Therefore, ensure that you command nothing that reason, not just will, doesn't first command you. Also, when commanding, make sure not to lower your authority to trivial matters that aren't important to the family. The husband's authority should guide everything, even the smallest things in the family, but he shouldn't always be involved in every minor detail, as this would make the family structure awkward. The husband shouldn't be constantly commanding and interfering with small household matters. A garment worn too much becomes threadbare, and the power of commanding is like a special outfit for important occasions. When the husband tries to manage everything, like brewing, baking, washing, and similar tasks, it ends up that his wife can't help because he wants to do everything. When he commands trivial things as if his entire estate depends on feeding the pigs or washing the laundry, it devalues his word and makes his commands meaningless. In such matters, he should let his wife manage under his guidance and allow her to know more than he does, as he has greater and more important family matters to focus on. If he notices anything disorderly, he should advise and counsel rather than command. If he issues commands for every trivial thing, eventually they will be ignored altogether. Make sure the matter is significant before giving a command about it. These are the two main rules of wisdom for giving commands: they should concern things that are both useful and important for the family.

20. The same virtue must be practiced when it comes to giving reproof; in this matter, great caution should be used. Reproof is necessary, and if done well, it can do much good; if done poorly, it can be very dangerous. Therefore, when giving it, careful discretion is needed so that one does not harm instead of heal. For giving a wise reproof, three things must be observed:

First, a man should not tell his wife about a fault when he is hot and burning with violent passion. A man is most ready to speak then, but least able to speak well. If a warning is blurted out, how can it do good? How can it succeed if it comes from the drunkenness of wrath? No one judges a color with a speck in their eye; and what is passion to judgment? So, if he tries to reprove then, he will disgrace himself, not the fault, and make his wife despise him, not condemn herself. In such cases, people speak not what they should, but what they like; not what fits the fault, but what suits their mood. Thus, the reproof is not proportioned to the offense, but like liquor, it takes on the flavor of the cask and is as outrageous as the heart it came from. By trying to fix a fault in another, he commits a greater one himself and makes the other worse, not better. If you are a husband, take this advice: When there is need for a warning, there is also need for wisdom to give it. Do it when you are in your right mind. Passion is a short madness; can anything be done wisely in that state? When you are calm, when your judgment is clear, when your heart is settled, when you are yourself, then show your wife her fault; otherwise, you will never help her see it.

Secondly, it is wise for the husband to consider his wife's temperament and see if she is ready to receive, as well as he is to give, wholesome words. When she is enraged by passion or downcast by grief and sickness, which make her more prone to passion, it is not the time for reproof. No one raises sails in a storm; no doctor gives medicine on a full stomach. Words are wasted when passion has blocked the ears and dulled the mind. She will not appreciate a reproof when her heart is bitter. Everything is taken as coming from ill will and hatred, even if not meant so, because she judges with a disturbed mind. At such times, do not pour out all your thoughts, but wait until later. When you see a man drunk, you let him sleep before you scold him for his drunkenness. Do not think strong drink is more powerful than strong passion. Both make a person, in excess, incapable of good counsel. Do not say, "I will not let her have the last word." This would be to argue with her, which is absurd for a man. It is better for her to have the last word than for both to exchange worse words until you also fall into the same frenzy. It is extremely difficult to talk long with an angry person and not get angry yourself; to argue with them and not become like them is impossible. What is more indecent and unsightly than infecting yourself instead of correcting her? As if the doctor and patient were to fight over taking the medicine. Therefore, as you ensure all other things are ready to receive what you put into them, like the vessel for the liquor, the ground for the seed, etc., make sure your wife's heart is ready to receive the reproof, and that there is room for your words; which is when she is calm, well-pleased, and pacified, not soured and leavened with rash anger or much grief.

Now, the third and most necessary part of wisdom is to give a reproof in private. Everyone is most willing to hear of their faults when no one else is present to report them but themselves. We are all naturally protective of our reputation; women especially so; and if they see it as done to disgrace them, they are provoked to do worse, not encouraged to change. So it is a matter of wisdom and love to ensure no one else is aware of the fault being reproved but her. Those who apply remedies to wounds choose a private room, not the marketplace; they do not like to do such things with an audience. Christ instructs to reprove your neighbor first between you and them; then take two more with you, and proceed further (Matt. 18:15-17). More love is required for a wife, and so more secrecy. But if she offends publicly before servants, children, or strangers, then show your disapproval in a patient manner so that all can see you do not ignore the fault, and express grief rather than anger. Save the rightful sharpness and necessary correction for a reproof until you are alone. By that time, she will be ashamed to remember how she overstepped if you do not give her a reason to respond by committing the same mistake at that time. Do not fear that faults corrected in private will infect the children and servants. Your present grief and disapproval will have more impact on them than any reproof; and there is time in her absence to warn them against such behavior, and in theirs to chide her for setting a bad example. They may know you have reproved, even if they do not hear you reprove. So we cannot in any way approve the foolish rashness of those husbands (indeed, we sharply condemn it) who must express their reproof before children, servants, and perhaps strangers (as if they are overwhelmed by it) without having the wisdom to wait for the opportunity of privacy. These men disgrace themselves by discrediting their wives, as the head suffers if the heels are taken up. For now, the wife believes her disgrace is the target: hence she becomes more angry, perhaps also to justify herself, which provokes him to more anger, kindles more heat; and so it turns into a plain argument or fight, which should have been a kind and Christian reproof. Wouldn't it have been better to save these until another time than to waste them so dangerously at this time to both their harm and disgrace? This is the practice of wisdom.

21. The next virtue is mildness. This relationship is closest to equality and therefore allows familiarity, which must not be allowed in other relationships between superiors and inferiors, and requires more gentleness. This is the sweet aspect of this type of governance, which prevents it from seeming too harsh. It is the soft lining of this yoke of authority, which, without it, would be unbearable. No woman can endure governance if gentleness does not temper it.

22. Now this gentleness must be used in giving commands and corrections. In giving commands, both for what you are commanding and how you are doing it. For what you are commanding, it is important that a man does not extend his commanding power too far or be too strict in everything. Instead, he should be willing to please his wife in some things, so that she may be more willing and even cheerful to be obedient in other matters. Obedience should be encouraged and attracted, almost as if allowing it to decide for itself in less important matters, so that it may follow more dutifully when there is a greater need for quick and willing obedience. The Shunammite woman is a great example of this. Her husband, during the busy harvest time, did not know the reason why she needed a man and two donkeys to go to the Prophet. He did not insist on knowing the reason or refuse her request but granted her desire, even though it might have seemed inconvenient. He knew she was not one to wander, and one day was not much. Thus, she had the freedom to leave, and he benefited from it, as he was spared the sorrow of hearing about his son's death and received great comfort when his son was revived; she saw him raised before he even knew of his illness. It was also more than ordinary gentleness in Abraham that he would agree to his wife's emotional request about her maid Hagar, even though it was a matter that concerned him deeply. Let the husband not be like the harsh Nabal to his wife, but follow these examples of husbandly kindness, which will create both love and respect, showing kindness and receiving it in return. A husband who insists on being the lord in everything stretches his authority so much that it risks breaking. Treat your wife in such a way that she feels she has entered into a loving relationship, not a servile bondage.

23. When it's necessary to give a command, it should not be done in a bossy or forceful way, but with a gentle and kind approach, like how the head guides the body, using loving persuasion and friendly requests. If the wife tries to take control and refuses to obey, her behavior makes it not only acceptable but necessary for the husband to assert his authority firmly and clearly, but with good words and behavior, not being bitter or angry, insisting on his will in lawful matters. However, this approach should be used rarely and only in important matters that deserve such seriousness. It's safer and more honorable to resolve a rebellious situation through peaceful negotiations with good conditions than through force and aggression. A husband gains the most praise and happiness when he can calm his wife's disobedience through gentle means. Indeed, a woman must be quite stubborn if she won't yield to entreaty. Authority is like the arts of logic and rhetoric, which should be used in speaking but remain hidden; they are most effective when they are used but not seen. It's better to request when you could command, as it prevents resistance. There's nothing to fight over when a man doesn't flaunt his superiority.

Things are best done when the will is attracted rather than the body forced. If you insist and use direct commands like "you shall," "I will make you," "you better do it," or "you shall know that I am master," the heart resists what the hand does, and you are disliked inwardly, even if obeyed outwardly. If obedience doesn't come from the heart, can it last long? This is the way to succeed with the least burden on the inferior and effort on the superior, by wishing with gentle words rather than commanding with forceful ones. People who ride horses have a wand and a spur; they prefer to move their horses forward with the sound or a light touch of the stick rather than the sharpness of the spur. They only use the spur if the horse is stubborn or tired, and if tired, it does more harm. Similarly, a husband should guide his wife and encourage her to fulfill his wishes with calm, pleasant, and subtle words rather than direct and forceful commands, unless she is unusually unruly. Christ often beseeches His Church, even though He has the right to command. Let the husband imitate that best husband and avoid saying, "Do it, or you had best," "You shall whether you will or no," or "I will have it so to cross you." Such a husband will only harm himself. Violent actions are never long-lasting. This is mildness in commanding.

24. Reproof must be given with love, especially since bitterness is hard to handle and criticism is difficult to accept. This love should be evident both in what is said and how it is said. Regarding the content, don't criticize every small mistake or scold for every weakness. Many things should be overlooked (indeed, everything that isn't serious or harmful to the wife's well-being if not addressed) with little or no comment. This aspect of love is crucial even with strangers, as it overlooks faults and weaknesses; how much more should it be present in the household, especially between a husband and wife. In this sense, love is a great cover for faults; it will only notice faults when they truly exist, and even then, it may choose to ignore them and not speak of them, approaching correction with a reluctant willingness. This virtue should be abundant in marriage. Husbands should follow Christ's example. He overlooks many of the Church's faults; He doesn't harshly mark every mistake. He knows the Church is but dust and will inevitably err in many ways, yet He is patient and only corrects when there is willful sin. Husbands should do the same: remember you are married to women, the weaker vessels; consider your own faults, and if your wife has some, don't be surprised by their number, but rather that there aren't more. Use silence as much as possible, and when it's appropriate to be silent (in cases of weaknesses and infirmities), strive to help her improve. It's safer to be somewhat blind to faults than to be overly critical.

In close relationships, it's inevitable that various faults will become apparent, and if you constantly seek them out and criticize every little thing, you'll live in constant dissatisfaction and bring little peace to your wife. She may feel, with some justification, that you don't love her much, leading to strained affections and eventual conflict. Don't be harsh or strict; just as a mother's love makes her overlook many imperfections in her child, so should you feel towards your wife. Pray to God about her faults, encourage her virtues; don't criticize minor shortcomings and natural weaknesses. Let her subtly know that you are aware but choose not to focus on them, so she may become more aware and eager to improve herself.

25. Moreover, when it is necessary to correct someone, it should be done gently. The words and behavior used to point out and emphasize the fault should be mild, showing love and pity. A reproof should be applied like a bandage, not with harshness, but with compassion. Even the best of us will need this medicine, but the husband must remember not to be too harsh with his own flesh. Reproof, like a bitter medicine, is hard to swallow: we shouldn't make it more unpleasant with our bitterness, like serving it in an ugly cup. A mother's care is needed here. She gives the child worm-seed to kill the worms and raisins to help swallow the worm-seed. Similarly, a man must correct the fault with loving words and expressions to make the correction easier to accept. No patient, no matter how sick and eager for health, would willingly drink a scalding hot potion: something that burns the lips will never be accepted by the stomach, even if it's the healthiest drink. It's the same with a reproof: if it burns the ear with insults and disgraceful words, with bitter taunts, scoffs, and mocks, with demeaning and harsh words, with a fiery look and a harsh voice, it will never reach the heart. Compassion, love, kindness, expressing sorrow for the fault, desiring their good, and wishing for their improvement—these are the things that help someone accept correction and make it effective. I am not against the necessary earnestness of reproving, and the sharpness that God sometimes commands; this can be done without bitterness, without harsh words and gestures, without the fierceness we are speaking against. Something doesn't need to be ice-cold just because it doesn't burn; there's a big difference between the two. An admonition is effectively sharp and earnest when a person plainly and kindly exposes the absurdity, wrongness, and danger of the sin, pressing these points on the heart and conscience of the person, somewhat sorrowfully and movingly, but still showing more sorrow than anger: and this should be done. In one word, let your reproofs be warm, not hot. And this concludes the practice of mildness.

26. The third virtue a husband should show is justice, which is the heart of good leadership. Without justice, authority decays and turns into the ugly mess of tyranny. A husband must act justly with his wife in four ways:

First, he should provide her with enough support, according to his status and ability, and do so willingly and generously. He should not see himself as the absolute lord of everything, but allow her to freely and abundantly use what they have, as his role and resources allow. If she goes beyond these limits, his authority should remind her to be more careful. He should not ruin his finances by indulging her excessively, as this would harm him, her, their children, and the whole family. But she should be an equal partner in what he has, as long as she lives within their means. Justice does not allow her to be deprived due to stinginess, which is closely related. The husband should provide for his wife as the head provides life to the body, generously and willingly. If there is any blockage in this support, it will cause great problems. This support should continue even after his death, ensuring she is not left dependent on their children, whom she should be able to guide. This is one aspect of justice.

The second aspect is that the husband should not force his wife to do unlawful things. Where God commands, he should not forbid; where God forbids, he should not command. It is madness to force someone to disobey God. Does he think he can go beyond his authority and still be obeyed? This is the highest form of unrighteousness, for a deputy to act against the Sovereign Lord. If she resists and does not fall into wrongdoing, he becomes disliked for trying to harm her. If she falls into sin, he must help her out and clean up the mess, or both will suffer: one for sinning, the other for causing sin. In doing so, he violates both justice and wisdom, showing himself foolish and rebellious against God. He should not only avoid urging her to do things that are wrong, but also things she believes are wrong based on God's Word. The conscience is God's direct officer, and even if it errs, it must be obeyed until corrected with clear reasons. Disobeying conscience in things believed to be sinful leads to sinning in things that truly are sinful. If she claims conscience without a reason from God's Word, this is stubbornness, and if the matter is important, it may be necessary to compel her. But if she bases her belief on God's Word, even if mistaken, she should be persuaded, not forced. Not every conscience concern makes something sinful, but only those based on God's Word, which guides conscience. Even if misinformed, conscience retains authority, and forcing her against it is to force her to sin, the most unrighteous act for a leader. Only the Lord of Heaven and Earth is the true Lord. Do not be unjust by urging her to displease God or her conscience, which relies on His Word.

The third part of justice is not to reprove without a fault, nor harshly for a minor fault. Reproving without cause is like putting a bandage on healthy skin, unnecessary and often harmful, as it may create a sore. Finding fault without reason can cause faults. Harsh reproof for minor faults is like using strong medicine when a gentle remedy would suffice. This comes from cruelty and causes imbalance. Reproof should come not when one is angry, but when God is offended; not when personal interests are affected, but when God's command is broken. Just as a treatment must match the wound, admonition should match the fault. For sins that require admonition, there are degrees, and one should show more or less disapproval accordingly. A husband should be more earnest in reproving not when a minor sin affects him, but when a greater sin offends God, even if it benefits him outwardly. Once the fault is corrected, stop reproving; continuing is unfair. When a fire is out, who keeps pouring water?

The last point of justice is to encourage and increase the good in his wife, showing love and approval, as well as correcting the bad. Just as we feed a horse as well as spur it, a wife should be encouraged to do good, not just discouraged from evil. Use both eyes, not just one. It is base to only focus on faults, like a fly seeking a sore to lay eggs. Shame on the husband who only looks for faults; this does not heal but worsens things. It is unjust to only see the worst. Justice gives due credit for both good and bad, and failing to do so harms love, causing conflicts and resentment. To live comfortably, consider your wife's virtues as well as her faults; the help she provides as well as the hindrances. Encourage her strengths and help her overcome weaknesses, and let her know you notice her good qualities. Good traits grow best in the light of appreciation. This concludes the man's duty, which I have detailed because his faults are more harmful, like diseases in the head, and any issue in the main part of a clock.

For Wives

27. Now let's move on to the duties of women, allowing the men some time to reflect, and ask the women to listen more carefully than before. The whole duty of a wife can be summarized in two main points. First, she must acknowledge her inferiority; second, she must conduct herself as someone who is inferior. First, the wife must be convinced in her mind that she is not equal to her husband, and indeed, that her husband is far superior to her. Without this understanding, there can be no contentment in her heart or in her home. If she insists on being equal or even better than her husband, the foundation of good behavior is destroyed, and the source of peace is dried up. Being out of place leads to being out of peace. Woe to those who are not content to take their rightful place just below the head. If you ever intend to be a good wife and live comfortably, accept this: My husband is my superior, my better; he has authority and rule over me. Nature has given him this role, having made our bodies tender and men's bodies stronger. God has given him this role, saying to our first mother Eve, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you" (Gen. 3:16). His will guides even my desires and wishes. I will not fight against God and nature. Though my sin has made my position difficult, I will admit the truth: My husband is my superior, my better. If the wife does not learn this lesson thoroughly, if she does not know it by heart, if her very heart does not agree with it, there will be arguments, complaints, and struggles to be equal with him or above him; and thus their life will be a constant battle and struggle for dominance. A miserable existence.

28. Secondly, the wife, understanding that her role is the lower one, must conduct herself as an inferior. It does little good to acknowledge his authority in words if she does not truly submit in actions. She can demonstrate her inferiority in a Christian way by practicing the two virtues of reverence and obedience, which are fitting for the position of inferiors.

29. First, regarding reverence, the wife owes as much of that to her husband as the children or the servants do to her, and even as they do to him. However, it is allowed that this reverence be sweetened with more love and familiarity. The wife should not mistakenly think that her position means she is not equally bound with the children and servants to show reverence to her husband; all those in lower positions owe reverence equally. The difference is only this: she may be more familiar, but not more rude than they are, as she is more dear, not less subject to him.

30. This reverence she must have should be both inward and outward. First, her heart should be kept inwardly with a respectful attitude towards him, seeing him as God's representative, focusing not on his personal qualities but on his role; not thinking so much about who he is, but whose officer he is. The Apostle very strictly commands this, saying, "Let the wife see that she fear her husband" (Eph. 5:33). It's as if he said: Above all, she should carefully strive not to fail in this duty, because if she does, her entire life will be disorderly and inappropriate. And you must understand that the Apostle means not a slavish fear, but a loving fear, one that can coexist with the closest union of hearts, like that between Christ and his Church. This fear is when, considering his role, she sees it as the greatest evil, next to breaking God's Commandment, to displease and offend her husband. People have a proper awe of God when they see breaking His Commandment and grieving His Spirit as the greatest of all evils; similarly, a wife fears her husband in a good way when she avoids displeasing, grieving, and disobeying her husband, who is next to God above her in the family. Her heart must regard her husband so much that it keeps her actions and words from disorder. I know this is not common, and it is hardly considered appropriate among many women; they are as indifferent to their husbands as their husbands are to them; indeed, they despise him and have reversed this command, causing their husbands to fear them.

This boldness, this lack of femininity, leads to the path of the harlot's house and shows all wise men that such women have, or would, or soon will abandon the care of honesty, as well as loyalty. But if you want to be a virtuous wife, work with your heart to make it respect your husband: and know that God has not given this warning to women for no reason. As you grow in this inward reverence, you will overcome other weaknesses: as you neglect this, you will be troubled with all other faults. Where the heart disregards someone, the words and actions will be contemptuous. If the source is muddy with neglect, so will the streams be.

31. Just as the heart is most important, the outward behavior must also be considered in three key areas.

First, in the way she speaks and acts towards him. These should reflect respect and not be abrupt, harsh, sullen, passionate, or touchy, but rather meek, quiet, and submissive, showing that she understands who she is and to whom she is speaking. A wife's words towards her husband should be neither sharp nor careless, her expression neither proud nor mocking; her behavior should not be dismissive, arrogant, or discontented, but should reflect humility and calmness of spirit. Consider what kind of words or behavior you would dislike from your servant or child; those are the ones you should not direct towards your husband, for you are equally commanded to be subject. Sarah once made a mistake in this regard, being haughty and saying, "God be Judge between me and thee" (Gen. 16:5). Rachel also erred when she angrily demanded from her husband, "Give me children, or I die" (Gen. 30:1). Jacob could not tolerate this without anger, even though he loved her dearly. Michal was also wrong when she mocked her husband David, saying, "How glorious was the King of Israel today" (2 Sam. 6:20), when she thought he behaved unfit for a king. She could not correct him kindly but instead taunted him. These examples show how prone women are to disrespectful behavior and how unpleasant and unfeminine it is. Yet despite these warnings, some women still argue and scold their husbands, insult and revile them, and treat them in ways that would be unacceptable towards a servant. Such behavior is a stain on womanhood, a blemish on their gender, a disgrace to human society, rude, graceless, and impudent, almost like harlots, if not the same. Let such words leave a mark, and let the corruption be removed from these tongues. But even women who are otherwise virtuous must recognize their faults in this area. They can sharply rebuke their husbands with quick, cutting words, a frowning face, a disdainful look, and turning away in displeasure. Why would you teach your children to be rebellious and show your servants how to sulk, pout, and fume? Do you think such behavior will not spread? Will they not also use it against you? Or is it less acceptable in you? Be submissive instead, and let them learn reverence from you to practice towards you. A woman degrades herself when she disregards her husband or even seems to do so.

32. Secondly, the wife must show respect towards her husband in her words and actions when she is with him and in front of others. His presence should make her more mindful of how she behaves towards anyone else. Her words should not be loud or harsh to the children or the servants when he is around. If she notices a fault, she must remember that her superior is present and not speak unless necessary; and when she does, she should speak in a calm and gentle manner, which she might express more directly in his absence. No woman of authority would allow her children and servants to be loud and argumentative in front of her; so why should she behave that way in front of her husband? What happens to the idea of inferiority then? Indeed, her respect requires her to be silent when he is present. I do not mean complete silence, but using few words, and those should be soft and gentle, not harsh or loud. Paul commands women to learn in silence. The word is, in quietness: which not only applies to public settings but also generally in the home and similar gatherings (1 Tim. 2:11). Why should this be limited without any need, when it can rightly apply more broadly?

The reason for this duty is based on the consideration of the two sexes: just as youth is inferior to age, and young people to the elderly (unless some other factor outweighs this difference, as it sometimes happens that the younger is in authority, and the elder under it; the younger has more excellent gifts; the elder fewer, and so on; by which the inferiority of young people is overshadowed, and as it were covered:) so is the male sex preferred before the female in terms of position and dignity, as all who read what the Scriptures say on this matter will agree.

Now if there is an inferiority of the sex, how better to express it than by this, which also younger people must demonstrate, namely, to speak little and softly before them? For what less can be required to show this difference? Let women then either excuse chatter and loudness in young people before their elders, in children and servants before them; or else condemn it in themselves before their husbands, indeed before any men. I know this duty is difficult: for where there is quick wit and a lack of wisdom (as is often the case with this sex comparatively) there is a readiness to speak and an abundance of words; but among all wise men, talkativeness of women (especially when it becomes loud and intense) has been considered a fault, particularly in the husband's presence. Now then, let women learn silence, and let the respect they have for their husbands lead them to a special moderation of speech while they are present.

33. Thirdly, a wife's words about her husband when he's not around must be respectful and considerate. She shouldn't call him by disrespectful names or talk about him carelessly or lightly, much less with spiteful or insulting terms. We should follow the godly example of Sarah, who is praised for this behavior. When she thought of her husband even when no one else was around, she called him "my Lord" (1 Pet. 3:6). If she gave him such good and honorable titles in private, what would she have done in public? What in his presence? What directly to him? So, women should train themselves to have respectful thoughts and words about their husbands when they are absent, so they can better practice the same when they are present. Habit in this matter is very powerful. Who would tolerate a child speaking disrespectfully and complaining about their father behind his back? And should it be allowed in a wife? The more this reveals her true feelings and disposition, the more she must be careful with her words in such situations. Fear might make a woman speak kindly in front of her husband because she dares not do otherwise, and he won't tolerate anything else; but true conscientious submission is shown when she won't think or speak of him, even when he's far from hearing, without some sign of respect, so that those who hear her may see she regards him as her leader and superior. If one doesn't allow evil thoughts about a ruler, they shouldn't allow evil words about the husband in private conversations with neighbors, for he is the household ruler, the domestic king. Even if your husband is away, let your respect for him be with you, so that when mentioning him to others, you don't show contempt. And that's all for Reverence.

34. Obedience follows: regarding this duty, a clear text fully states, "Let the wife be subject to her husband in all things, in the Lord." What more proof do we need? Why is she his wife if she will not obey? And how can she expect obedience from the children and servants if she will not yield to her husband? Does she not demand it in his name and as his representative? The question is not so much whether she must obey, but how far. Therefore, we must extend it as far as the Apostle, to a generality of things, to all things, as long as it is in the Lord. In anything where obeying him does not disobey God, she must obey: and if not in all things, it might as well be in nothing. It is a thankless service if not general. To yield only in things that please herself is not to obey him, but her own desires. The test of obedience is when it goes against her wishes. To do what he asks when she would have done it without his asking, what praise is there in that? But this shows conscientious submission when she chooses to do what she would not because her husband wills it. And since she requires the same level of duty in his name from the servants, she will be a judge against herself if she does not give what she expects to receive. But it is not enough that her obedience extends to all lawful things unless it is also willing, ready, without arguing, contending, opposing, or being sour. A good work can be ruined by the manner of doing it. Just as good material is spoiled by bad crafting, so does the wife disgrace and disfigure her obedience if she hesitates, argues, is impatient, and will not comply until she has no choice. "Needs must, needs shall," as the proverb goes. Such yielding shows no reverence and deserves no praise. It is commendable, a mark of a virtuous woman, a dutiful wife, when she submits herself quietly and cheerfully, just as a well-trained horse turns at the slightest signal, stands at the slightest check of the rider's bridle, readily going and standing as he wishes who sits upon his back. If you want your obedience to be worth anything, make no fuss about it outwardly, and allow none within.

35. Now, regarding the less important duties of husband and wife in their everyday interactions, I have covered that. I will now discuss matters concerning the marriage bed, which are just as important to understand because offenses in this area are more serious and dangerous, even if not as public. Their marital relations must have these three qualities.

First, it must be cheerful: they should lovingly, willingly, and openly share themselves with each other. This is the best way to maintain and nurture their mutual natural love, and it helps achieve the true and proper purposes of marriage in the best way: for the husband belongs to the wife, and the wife to the husband.

Secondly, their union must be sanctified. Paul says that food, drink, and marriage are good when sanctified by prayer (1 Tim. 4:4-5). Men and women should not come together like animals driven by desire; instead, they should recognize their Creator in this ordinance and seek His blessing solemnly, just as they do at meals (the Apostle speaks of both similarly), so that marriage may indeed be blessed for them. Sanctifying the marriage bed and using it reverently with prayer and thanksgiving will make it moderate and prevent them from growing tired of each other (as often happens), and it will help control lust, which would otherwise increase through these meetings. Propagation and chastity, the two main purposes of marriage, are best achieved through prayer and thanksgiving in its use, without which they will hardly come, or not with comfort. It is necessary to see God in matters that closely affect us, like the hope of posterity: Him, as the increase of His kingdom. Let Christians, therefore, recognize the power of prayer in all things.

Thirdly, their marital relations must be timely and at lawful times. There is a season when God and Nature join man and wife in this respect. The woman is made to be fruitful; therefore, she is more moist and cold in constitution. This means that her natural heat does not convert all her sustenance into her own nourishment; instead, a portion is set aside in a suitable place to support and nourish conception when it occurs. Now, this excess fluid (called their flowers or terms) has a monthly release or evacuation if there is no conception (and in some cases, more often), unless there are unusual stoppages and obstructions, lasting for six or seven days in most cases. Sometimes, due to weakness and infirmity of nature, this release continues for many more days.

After childbirth, there is a larger and longer emptying because of the previous retention, which usually lasts for four, five, or six weeks, and sometimes longer. During all these times and occasions, it is simply unlawful for a man to be with his own wife. The Lord tells us so in Leviticus 15:19, 25, and also in chapters 18:19 and 20:18. It is important for married people to be aware of these passages, to which I direct them. Women should not feel disgraced because I have discussed this matter openly but modestly. Where God threatens death to the offender, can the minister be faithful if he does not clearly declare the offense? This fault is condemned by God with the punishment of death (Lev. 20:18). So, bear with necessary plainness. Let no woman be upset that the cause of her fruitfulness is known when she rejoices in being fruitful. Do not say that I should let them read it. What if they cannot? What if they will not? Can the minister fulfill his duty of warning people not to sin just because they may read it? If anyone, due to sensitivity or other reasons, takes offense at this openness (for they have heard no immodest or obscene speech), they reveal themselves to be guilty of the sin they wish to remain unknown; they show a willingness to commit evil rather than prove it wrong to teach plainly what God has plainly revealed to be known. In short, we must speak all the truth, and you should willingly hear all; if not, you must hear it against your will. Even if people are offended, we must not hide what God wants to be known. And thus, you have heard the duties of married people, both principal and less principal, for their common society, both mutual and special, and for their marital relations in the marriage bed. Now, though I have been lengthy, I will take time to make some use and application.

36. First, this offers a good lesson to young and unmarried people: do not rush into marriage without careful thought. Something so challenging should not be taken lightly. If you don't fill your heart with grace and your mind with wisdom, you'll find your hands full of duties, your home full of trouble, and your life full of sorrow, encountering bitterness instead of sweetness, and hardship instead of comfort. Do you want to get married? Consider what wisdom, patience, and grace you have to either lead or follow. Acquire these qualities before you need them, or else marriage won't bring you the happiness you imagine. Young people often act impulsively and fall into lust, marrying before they have the ability to fulfill their responsibilities or understand them; this leads to personal trouble and damages their reputation. Just like someone who tries to jump over a wide ditch with a short stick will fall in, anyone who enters marriage without striving for great grace will find themselves stuck in turmoil and frustration. Let unmarried people reflect on this and be wise.

37. Secondly, I must advise all married people to become familiar with their duties and recognize their own shortcomings. But don't misunderstand me. I mean that the wife should know her duties, the husband his, and both should understand their shared responsibilities. I want them to focus on their own duties, not so much on each other's failings. It's possible that some listeners will be worse off after hearing this because they listened incorrectly. The husband might go home and remind his wife of her duties, pointing out her faults, without ever considering his own duties or faults. Similarly, the wife might point out her husband's faults at home, without reflecting on her own. This way, both will be worse off, as they focus on criticizing each other instead of improving themselves. Husband, you listened carefully when the wife's duties were discussed and thought, "There, he addressed my wife; she showed little respect and less obedience." Wife, you had similar thoughts about your husband: "There, he told him about his duty. It wasn't long ago that he showed neither wisdom nor gentleness. I wish he would improve." Foolish man, foolish woman: why didn't you care more about your own soul? Could you notice what was good for another's problem but not for your own? Will you become skilled in his way and not know your own path?

Brothers, sisters, let this change in us. If you are a Christian husband, focus more on understanding and considering what your own soul must answer for, rather than what belongs to another. Do the same if you are a Christian wife. If a man or woman sees more faults in their spouse than in themselves, they reveal great pride, ignorance, and hypocrisy, unless their spouse is notoriously ill-behaved. If the heart were truly touched, one's own sins would be more grievous than the spouse's. So strive not to see how short your spouse falls, but to ensure you don't fall short yourself. Overlook your spouse's failings more easily and be more critical of your own: this is how a Christian should act, by judging oneself. No one ever learned to work well by focusing more on their neighbor's work than their own. Nor was anyone a good student who focused on their classmate's work instead of their own tasks. This is why husbands and wives are often poor at fulfilling their duties to each other, because they focus on what is owed to them, not what they owe. I have no doubt that experience will support my words if I say that those who complain much about their partner's lack of duty and little about their own are not the best husbands and wives. Yet, isn't this common? Every man would be a good husband if his wife weren't so bad, and she would be a good wife if he weren't so faulty. All accusations and judgments are aimed at each other. What folly is this?

Understand, idle man and woman, it is not about demanding or receiving duty from others, but about knowing and performing what pertains to yourself that will prove you a Christian, comfort you in temptation, bring you joy in death, and stand for you in judgment. Yet, are you so loud in demanding duty, but so silent and ignorant in fulfilling it?

To conclude, know your own duty best, focus on your own failings; then you will avoid conflicts with your partner if you are busy improving yourself. There is no better way to ensure peace in families than for everyone to learn and focus on their own work, see and strive to correct their own faults. Have you been unchaste, unloving, unfaithful? Both of you should repent and don't hesitate about who should start: let each set an example of goodness for the other. If you must compete, let it be over who will be the best, who will improve first. Have you been a foolish, passionate, unjust husband, full of harsh words, perhaps even (which is monstrous) blows in anger, seeking and serving yourself alone, not caring for your wife's good as long as you get your way? Don't dive into her faults, don't cry out about how she has treated you: repent of your bitterness, wastefulness, and all sorts of folly: confess it to God; ask Him to make you a better husband so that your wife may be better.

Have you been a disdainful, contemptuous, brawling, impatient, discontented, and disobedient wife? Ask your heart before God, and don't pretend otherwise. If yes, don't shout about your husband's folly, don't complain about his rashness and hardness; but condemn yourself before God, and ask Him to help you fear and obey your husband as a commander under Him. Beg Him for mercy to make you better so that your husband may also be better. Follow the proverb, and let each of you mend one, meaning yourself, and contention will cease. Pray for yourself first, then for each other. Where you have offended, strive to see it, confess, lament it, and call for power to reform, and don't be skilled at blaming another, but at casting it out of yourself. So your love will be secure, your hearts comforted, your example commendable, your homes peaceful, yourselves joyful, your lives cheerful, your deaths blessed, and your memories happy forever.