Book Summary
Richard Steele's The Duty of Husbands and Wives Toward Each Other (from his larger work The Religious Tradesman, 1684) presents marriage as a sacred covenant ordained by God, drawing heavily on Ephesians 5:22–33 to outline mutual obligations that mirror Christ's relationship with the church. The treatise emphasizes that husbands and wives are "yokefellows" bound in love, honor, and shared labor for spiritual and temporal flourishing.
Steele begins with the wife's duty, rooted in willing submission: she must recognize her husband as head of the household, yielding to his lawful authority not out of fear but reverence for God's order. This subjection is practical—managing domestic affairs with diligence, speaking respectfully, avoiding contradiction in public, and cultivating meekness that adorns godliness. Yet submission is never servile; a wife retains her dignity as "the weaker vessel" (1 Peter 3:7) and must gently admonish her husband if he strays from righteousness, doing so with prudence and prayer rather than contention.
The husband's duty is correspondingly weighty, framed as loving leadership. He must cherish his wife with tender affection, providing for her material needs, protecting her honor, and dwelling with her "according to knowledge"—that is, with understanding of her frame and frailties. Steele warns against harshness, bitterness, or tyranny, urging husbands to emulate Christ's self-sacrificing love by prioritizing their wives' spiritual growth, praying together, and modeling piety. A husband who rules arbitrarily dishonors both his wife and God.
Mutual duties bind the couple further: fidelity (guarding against adultery in heart and deed), forbearance (bearing each other's infirmities with patience), helpful companionship (strengthening one another in faith and worldly trials), and unity in worship (joint prayer, Sabbath observance, and family devotion). Steele stresses that marriage thrives when both spouses pursue holiness, warning that neglect of these duties invites divine judgment and domestic misery.
In essence, Steele portrays marriage as a "little church" where husband and wife sanctify each other through Christlike love and submission, finding their highest joy in fulfilling God's design for the union.
The Duty of Husbands and Wives
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Nevertheless, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife respect her husband. - Ephesians 5:33
My task is to explain, from this scripture, what the duties of husbands and wives are towards each other—a topic that is clearly useful and necessary. This relationship is the foundation of all others in the world, and fulfilling these duties well greatly helps in fulfilling duties in other relationships. However, it's easier to give guidance than to convince people, and it's harder to satisfy people than to satisfy God. We must be faithful to God and to you, and you must work to align your will with the rule, not change the rule to fit your will. Your rule is stated in these words: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
In this passage, you have:
1. The connection: "Nevertheless," meaning, moving on from the mystery of the spiritual marriage, "Let every one of you," etc. Or, even though the example given in verse 25 of Christ's love for his church is so extraordinary and beyond your ability to fully emulate, still "let every one of you so love his wife as himself." Alternatively, we might understand it as a conclusion, reading it as "So then," or "therefore," as if he had said, "The main point of what is said is this: just as Christ loved his church, so every one of you," etc.
2. The direction in the rest of the verse: "Let every one of you," etc. Here you see:
(1.) The universal obligation of it: "Let every one of you;" which could, with a simple addition to the Greek, form a complete sentence by itself: "Let every one of you," no matter how good you are, and no matter how bad they are, "look to this," do this.
(2.) The specific application of it: "In particular;" what has been determined in general should be applied by everyone to themselves. For both these passages can relate to both husband and wife, and imply that each of them should study and practice their specific duty.
3. The summary description of each of these duties.
(1.) Here is the summary of every husband's duty: To "love his wife." Indeed, this is not everything, but it is the most important part, and it will fulfill all other duties. An excellent addition to this is the clause, "as himself," which can serve as both a rule and a reason. (i.) As a rule; because even if someone doesn't know how our Savior loved the church, they certainly know how they should love themselves. So, let them love their wife as they love themselves. (ii.) As a reason; because it is certain that a man's wife is a significant part of himself, as they are two in one, "let every one of you love his wife as himself" (Eph. 5:33).
(2.) Here is the summary of every wife's duty: "And the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Eph. 5:33). The word "see" is added in our translation to help with understanding, even though it's not in the original Greek text. The main duty of the wife is summed up as "reverence," as we translate it, though most others read it as "fear." This certainly means having an inward respect for the role and person of a husband, which leads to voluntary submission and appropriate behavior. This reverence or fear doesn't exclude love; in fact, it assumes love and is a result of it. When we love, we try to please and are careful not to offend.
And even though there is no explicit explanation of this duty for the wife, like there was for the husband, who is instructed to love his wife "as himself" (Eph. 5:28), there is an implicit direction for the wife in her duty to her husband: to respect him and to be subject to him "as unto her head" (Eph. 5:23).
So, the lesson we learn from this is clear, which is this:
Doctrine: Every husband should love his wife as he loves himself, and every wife should respect her husband.
This is what our Creator commands, both through natural understanding and scripture. This is consistently taught in both the Old Testament and the New Testament, and is specifically emphasized by the two great apostles to the Jews and Gentiles, so that all Christians, regardless of their background, should follow it. The apostle Paul discusses this in (Eph. 5:22) and (Col. 3:18), and the apostle Peter in (1 Pet. 3:1).
These are not all the duties for each role, but they are mentioned because:
1. These are where people often fail the most: husbands often lack love, and wives often lack respect and submission; or,
2. These two duties summarize all the others, and no other duties are possible or acceptable without them.
My current task is to organize and emphasize these points in a serious and fair way, so it becomes clear that our religion not only offers rewards to make us happy in the afterlife but also guides us on how to find peace and comfort in this life. Certainly, it's not just having husbands or wives that brings contentment, but the mutual fulfillment of their duties to each other; this makes their lives, no matter how poor, like heaven on earth. However, I can only provide a brief summary here and direct you to where you can find more comprehensive guidance. In the meantime, let us all, as we pursue this, thoughtfully reflect on our past mistakes and sincerely commit to future improvement, according to what we will be convinced of by the word of truth.
And here, I will try to do these four things:
1. To present the shared or common duties of both.
2. The special duty of every husband.
3. The special duty of every wife.
4. Directions on how to achieve this, so that they can most certainly be blessings to each other.
Mutual Duties
Let's look at the mutual duties that are shared between husband and wife, where both are equally, at least according to their roles and abilities, involved and responsible. These duties are as follows:
Living together. For the man, he must "leave father and mother, and cleave unto his wife" (Gen. 2:24); and the woman, she must "forget her kindred and her father's house" (Ps. 45:10). The husband must "dwell with the wife" (1 Pet. 3:7); and the wife must not "depart from the husband," even if he is an unbeliever (1 Cor. 7:10). The purposes and duties of marriage generally do not allow for separation. For example: "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency" (1 Cor. 7:3-5). This clearly shows that even the proper use of the marriage bed is a mutual obligation that should not be neglected for long without necessity and agreement. In the old law, even the greatest necessity should not separate the husband from his wife in the first year, so their affections could be firmly established, and he might "cheer up his wife which he hath taken" (Deut. 24:5). Indeed, none of the following duties toward each other's souls or bodies can be fully performed, nor can many serious temptations be avoided, without living together.
And therefore, neither the desire for gain, nor fear of trouble, nor occasional disagreements, nor a pretense of religion should separate those from marital interaction and living together, unless by mutual consent, and only for a time, whom God has joined together.
Mutual love. This is especially the duty of the husband, as it says, "Husbands, love your wives" (Col. 3:19), but it is also required of the wife; they must "love their husbands" (Titus 2:4). This is the essence of marriage, the main reason and comfort of it. It's not a shallow or obsessive passion, but genuine, marital, and constant, "out of a pure heart fervently." It's not based on beauty, wealth, or interest, because these can fade quickly. It's not only based on grace and piety, because these can diminish and seem to disappear. Instead, it should be based on God's command and ordinance, which makes two people one flesh. So even if one of them is poor, unattractive, difficult, unregenerate, wicked, or an unbeliever, they should love each other with a deep love, in obedience to God and because of the marriage vow, which binds them "for better and for worse." Once the sacred bond is made, every man should see his wife, and every wife her husband, as the best partner for them in the world. The heathens used to remove the gall from their wedding sacrifices and throw it behind the altar to symbolize removing all bitterness from marriage; there should be nothing but love.
And this love must be as lasting and constant as the reasons for it, towards each other until death: and to the memory and descendants of each other when they are gone. Thus, some understand the good wife to do her husband "good all the days of her life;" not only during his life but also, when he is dead, to his descendants (Prov. 31:12). History shows remarkable examples of this enduring love from past ages, and even some non-Christians today demonstrate it in ways that are both clear and admirable.
This true-hearted love will bring real contentment and constant comfort into that situation. It will make all advice and corrections acceptable, and it will keep out jealousy, which is the ruin of marriage comfort. It will keep thoughts focused and the heart pure, because it is not just having a husband or wife, but loving them, that prevents adultery. This love will prevent or quickly calm those storms inside the home. Just like a mother who dearly loves her child, even if the child cries all night and disturbs her peace, her love makes them very good friends in the morning. If love is missing for a day or an hour between husband and wife, they are "like a bone out of joint;" there is no ease, order, or work done well until it is restored again.
Mutual faithfulness, especially in marriage, and keeping each other's secrets, is important. This is directed in 1 Corinthians 7:2: "Let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." According to this rule, the thoughts, desires, and actions of each person should be focused on their own lawful spouse as the dearest, sweetest, and best person in the world; this is because of the covenant with God. Any deviation from this (if not quickly and sincerely corrected) will grow and worsen in the soul, eventually leading to adultery. Then, the comfort of their lives, the peace of their consciences, and the reputation of their families are harmed; without true repentance, their eternal happiness is at risk. This act essentially breaks the marriage bond and, if divine law were enforced, would lead to severe punishment for the offender (Deut. 22:22). Although the wife's unfaithfulness may bring more shame and other problems, since man and wife are one flesh and have equal rights over each other's bodies, the guilt of this sin is equal, unless the man's wisdom and strength make his fault greater.
Therefore, we must do everything possible to avoid situations and temptations that lead to wandering desires away from home. This is important because someone who is not satisfied with one will not be satisfied with more. Sin has no limits, and only grace and the grave can set boundaries for the desires of the heart.
The same faithfulness is necessary in wisely keeping each other's secrets, whether they are natural, moral, or civil, unless a higher obligation requires them to be revealed. There is no greater betrayal than when a husband or wife (the closest of friends) exposes the other to shame or harm. It is bad when done by accident, worse when done in anger, and worst of all when done out of ill-will and malice.
Mutual helpfulness. That's why they are called "yoke-fellows." When the woman was created, it was said she should be "a help meet for him" (Gen. 2:18), which can be understood as "a help like him," because they should both help each other. There are three yokes they must carry together:
(1.) The yoke of cares.—Everyone should expect to bear this in marriage, and usually, the burden of work too. If these burdens are always on one shoulder, it will be too much; but when there's help, with the husband taking care of things outside and the wife managing things inside, the burden becomes lighter. For this reason, the wife should often read the last chapter of Proverbs, and the husband should read the rest of the book to encourage them in this.
(2.) The yoke of crosses and troubles.—Even though married people might expect only happiness, they will "have trouble in the flesh" (1 Cor. 7:28), like financial losses, problems with their children, and conflicts with friends and enemies. Every man and woman should choose yoke-fellows who are friends as well as partners, to comfort, support, and advise each other with faithfulness and sympathy.
(3.) The yoke of Jesus Christ.—They should live "as heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Pet. 3:7). The highest purpose of their relationship is to help each other achieve everlasting happiness. The husband's knowledge should help the wife, and the wife's zeal should help the husband. When the sun shines, the moon hides; when the sun sets, the moon appears. When the husband is home, it's his job to teach and pray with the family and keep the sabbath holy; but when he's away, the wife is his deputy and must take care of it. Both should work with wisdom and conscience to be of one mind, encouraging, reproving, or correcting those under their care, so their authority isn't weakened, their spirits aren't disturbed, and their efforts aren't wasted.
Mutual patience. This grace is something we must show to everyone, especially to those we are close to and care about. "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil-speaking be put away from you, with all malice: and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you." (Eph. 4:31-32) There are countless situations in daily life that can cause arguments, and Satan is always ready to make things worse. We have corrupt and stubborn natures, so this blessed grace is absolutely necessary. A conflict within the home is the most unbearable. It disrupts the soul, the body, the worship of God, the affairs, and the family. No good comes from it; anger changes nothing, but patience might: "The wrath of man works not the righteousness of God." (James 1:20)
The married couple should aim for a gentle and calm spirit; they need to overcome pride, practice self-denial, and sometimes wisely step back until the argument passes; and stay silent to maintain peace. They should remember, as holy Mr. Bolton says, that they are not two angels meeting, but two sinful children of Adam, from whom only weakness and stubbornness can be expected. They should see the greatest value and honor in being the first to make peace, and never let those unnatural arguments grow. What honor or comfort is there in arguing with oneself? What is gained in that victory? Overlook some minor faults; let the husband find a good time to gently advise his wife, and the wife respectfully inform the husband of any issues. If the person at fault sincerely admits their mistake to the other, and both ask God for forgiveness, it would help prevent similar foolishness and bring glory to God. It's clear that anyone who can harm their partner without hesitation is not stopped from wronging others by any honest principle. Lastly, they should consider that it's much better to yield to each other than to let anger "give place to the devil" (Eph. 4:27).
Mutual efforts for each other's salvation. This is clearly suggested in 1 Corinthians 7:16: "For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?" It's as if he is saying, "This should be your main goal; and if you can achieve this, even with difficulty, you are truly blessed!" How pagan, even how animal-like, it is to only enjoy the comforts of marriage together and then end up in hell together! If you allow each other to be damned, where is your love? How can you comfortably lie next to someone who is like a part of the devil? It's true, they must not harshly judge each other, either in their hearts or in their words; nor condemn each other's eternal state for every mistake, nor force religious matters in an unpleasant way; but they should lovingly inquire into each other's spiritual state; and, if necessary, use all proper means continually to guide the ignorant or sinful partner into the good ways of God; and that by leading them to the means of grace, and giving them no peace in the unsafe condition of an unrenewed nature. "Let them both go to the church," says Chrysostom; "and afterwards, at home, let the husband ask the wife, and the wife ask the husband, about the things that were spoken and read, or at least some part of it." "And what knowest thou, O man, but hereby thou mayest save thy wife?" meaning, you know nothing to the contrary. Indeed, there is a multitude of witnesses to confirm the blessed results of these efforts.
If you are both united with Christ Jesus, your task is to support each other in your most holy faith, and in all wisdom and holiness. To achieve this, you should carefully watch over each other to prevent falling into temptation. Study each other's personalities, be aware of each other's weaknesses, and notice any decline in zeal and piety so you can quickly offer help. "Exhort one another daily, lest either of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin" (Heb. 3:13). Your private conversations should often be about God and your eternal future. Use the analogy between Jesus Christ and his church and the married couple for your comfort and guidance. In short, your actions should clearly show that you are journeying together to seek a heavenly home.
Mutual marriage chastity. For "marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled" (Heb. 13:4). Both husband and wife should be careful to remain chaste in marriage, avoiding all inappropriate talk and actions that could lead to lust. They should be sober, timely, and regular in their use of the marriage bed. They must be cautious not to turn this institution, meant to remedy impure desires, into something that encourages them. They should not assume that their relationship makes every foolish act acceptable or that excessive pleasures can ever align with the "bed undefiled." A person can be a wicked drunkard with their own drink and a wretched beast in their own marriage bed. I could mention modern theologians, ancient church fathers, and even philosophers who agree in their criticism of these excesses, saying that the pleasures of marriage should be serious, careful, and mixed with restraint, and that an intemperate person in marriage is not much different from an adulterer.
Let all married people remember that God's holy eye is watching them; their bodies are the "temples of the Holy Ghost" (1 Cor. 6:19), and they must give a strict account to the Lord for every secret thing. Even in marriage, there is a need to "crucify our fleshly lusts" (Gal. 5:24) and to deny our natural and lawful desires when modesty or religion require abstinence, making those desires unlawful. Therefore, maintain a respectful decorum in your interactions; show reverence to God, respect each other, and respect yourselves. Be assured that true love "behaves not itself unseemly" (1 Cor. 13:5), and modesty is the best protector of marital purity.
Mutual care for each other's health, wealth, reputation, and happiness. This is required by the nature of their relationship, God's ordinance, and their shared interests. They should be considerate of each other's health and feel each other's pain. The husband should use all his skills and strength to provide a sufficient living, and the wife should use hers to support and enhance it. The husband must protect his wife's reputation as if it were his own, and the wife should do everything she can to promote her husband's good name. In short, the Holy Spirit has determined that "he that is married cares for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife; and she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband." (1 Cor. 7:33-34)
This will bring honor to religion, comfort to their lives, and a blessing on everything they have. This will help them handle all the pains and troubles of their situation, as they find that two are better than one, and they always have a sweet and constant friend in their partner. Without this care, one will be a constant burden to the other and a daily torment. When one is unconcerned about the other's trials; when one gathers and the other scatters; when one damages the other's reputation; when one constantly opposes and annoys the other; it leads to a hell of unrest in the mind, usually harms their possessions, and brings unspeakable guilt and shame.
Think often, "God has made us one: if my wife is sick, I am not fully well; if my husband is poor, I cannot be rich; if he is discontent, how can I be content? We will laugh and weep together; nothing but death shall separate our affections or interests."
Mutual prayer. The apostle Peter advises that "their prayers be not hindered" (1 Pet. 3:7), which means they should pray for and with each other. Isaac is said to "multiply prayers with," or "before, his wife" (Gen. 25:21), and it shows how effective these prayers were. We owe this common duty to everyone, especially to those closely connected to us. The purest love is expressed in prayer. This duty must be done constantly for each other and frequently with each other. There is no better way to preserve real love and peace than by praying together. In prayer, they should confess their shortcomings in their marriage, the impurities that cling to the marriage bed. They should ask for the blessing of children, blessings upon their children, blessings upon their possessions, and especially "all spiritual blessings in heavenly things in Christ" upon their souls. Who knows if God might touch the heart of the wife when the husband is praying for her? Certainly, they are fulfilling their duty, to which God has attached a promise.
It would be wise for both of you to find suitable times for praying together, even if you can't match the routine of holy Mr. Bolton, who prayed twice daily alone, twice with his wife, and twice with his family. Consider what specific grace or mercy your partner needs, what sins and temptations they are most vulnerable to, and earnestly ask God for help until your prayer is answered. You owe each other spiritual love as well as marital love; if you only eat and drink together, "what do you more than others?" Don't the animals do the same? If your love is only for the body and the things of this life, don't the tax collectors do the same? But if you love each other's souls and are eager for their salvation, you do more than others, and "your labor shall not be in vain in the Lord" (1 Cor. 15:58).
And so you have heard a simple summary of the common duties that husbands and wives should fulfill toward each other.
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